Hey meine lieben Leserinnen und Leser.
Ich weiß, ich schreib hier oft totalen Quatsch hin und es gibt trotzdem ein paar treue Seelen, die sich das immer wieder durchlesen. (Danke an dieser Stelle <3)
Auch heute werd ich vllt nichts sehr sinnvolles zustande bringen. Wer weiß, vllt findet ihr das ja iwi interessant? :D
Im Moment spielt mein Leben wieder verrückt. Ich weiß nicht, vllt will es mich einfach verarschen oder so, aber nie läuft was wie ich es will. Immer wird alles von eine auf die andre Sekunde kompliziert, auch wenns grad noch so leicht schien.
Und insgeheim hoffe ich, dass jmd kommt und mich da raus holt.
Wisst ihr, ich hab wahrscheinlich schon mehr verdrängt, als ihr je erleben werdet. o0 ... Ich bin so positiv, ich zieh die ganze negative Scheiße an >.< Da fällt mir eine Stelle aus einem Lied von James Blunt ein "If she had wings, she would fly away." Aber es ist irgendwie dumm, wenn man immer vor allem wegrennt, iwann holt einen das ja doch wieder ein >.< Und meist dann, wenn man es am wenigsten gebrauchen kann.
Seit gestern kamen wieder Gedanken hoch, die ich eigentlich begraben hatte. Es gibt Zeiten die man niemals vergessen wird. Das begreife sogar ich so langsam^^
Aber ich will euch nicht weiter mit so einem scheiß Gelaber von mir nerven.
Zum Schluss:Jede Begegnung die Deine Seele berührt,
eine Spur, die nie ganz verweht.
Manche Begegnungen sind wie Schneeflocken,
sie berühren Dich sanft,
verursachen eine Gänsehaut
und verschwinden wieder.
Manche Begegnungen sind wie Regentropfen,
sie küssen Deine Stirn,
berühren Dein Herz
und nehmen Deine Tränen mit.
Manche Begegnungen sind wie der Wind,
sie streicheln Deine Haut,
bringen ein Lächeln auf Dein Gesicht
und Du fühlst Dich wohl bei ihnen.
Manche Begegnungen sind wie Sonnenstrahlen,
und schenken Deiner Seele Geborgenheit.
Manche Begegnungen sind wie Sterne,
sie verzaubern Dich,
bringen Deine Augen zum Strahlen
und bleiben Dir ewig in Erinnerung.
Und dann gibt es diese eine Begegnung,
die Dich sprachlos macht.
Mama, ich habe dich kaum gekannt.
In meinem Traum kommst du oft vor;
wo du dann sagst: Ich vermiss dich so!
Ich sag dir dann: ich dich doch auch!
Doch dann ist der schon lange vorbei.
Ich hab dich lieb und das für immer,
auch wenn ich dich nicht sehen kann
auch wenn ich dich nicht sehen kann...
- - -
"I guess if you're old it's hard to remember.
For me forgetting is the hardest part.
And I try, I try really, really hard."
Im Moment wächst mir vieles über den Kopf,
Ich weiß nicht, wann sich das wieder legt,
aber bis dahin werdet ihr hier nicht so viel von mir hören.
Die Menschen, die alles wissen sollten, erfahren es von mir persönlich, doch ich denke nicht, dass ich das hier so öffentlich hinschreiben sollte.
Es geht schließlich keinen was an.
Haltet die Ohren steif
Annett Louisan- Chancenlos.
Wisst ihr, am liebsten würde ich nun einfach aufgeben. Ja, das wär wohl auch das leichteste. Doch ich werde weiter kämpfen. Mit ein bisschen mehr Optimismus schaff ich das auch. Doch eins lasst euch gesagt sein: Lukas ist der, der mir irgendwie für das alles die Kraft gibt. Einfach nur zu wissen "Er ist da." lässt mich weitermachen, nicht aufhören zu hoffen. Wo ich jetzt ohne ihn wäre, da will ich gar nicht erst dran denken. Wozu auch? Es ist schließlich nicht so.
To Write Love On Her Arms
Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."
I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her.
Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her.
She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm.
The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.
She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her.
I've never walked this road, but I decide that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes
Thursday night she is in the balcony for Band Marino, Orlando's finest. They are indie-folk-fabulous, a movement disguised as a circus. She loves them and she smiles when I point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe, in town from London just to catch this show.
She is in good seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night, screaming like a lifelong fan with every Dwight Howard dunk. On the way home, we stop for more coffee and books, Blue Like Jazz and (Anne Lamott's) Travelling Mercies.
On Saturday, the Taste of Chaos tour is in town and I'm not even sure we can get in, but doors do open and minutes after parking, we are on stage for Thrice, one of her favorite bands. She stands ten feet from the drummer, smiling constantly. It is a bright moment there in the music, as light and rain collide above the stage. It feels like healing. It is certainly hope.
Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to bold, all encouraging. We're talking to God but I think as much, we're talking to her, telling her she's loved, saying she does not go alone. One among us knows her best. Ryan sits in the corner strumming an acoustic guitar, singing songs she's inspired.
After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff.
She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life.
As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."
I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly.
We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.
We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.
I have learned so much in one week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would ask you to remember
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